February 08, 2004

My mustache drives all the girls from the yard

I don't want the last post to leave the wrong poor impression: I had a great time in Sacramento, despite the feeling of impending vocal doom.

The Helper Monkeys are a great, energetic trashy rock and roll band in the Dictators/Heartbreakers/Pagans mode; I could tell they had some funny lyrics, though I couldn't make too many of them out. Maybe I'm wrong about that 70s-oriented impression. But they were a lot of fun, whatever they might have been going for.

Sacramento local heroes Popgun were awesome as usual. They manage to evoke the spirit of the New Wave, circa 1979-80 (I'm talking Fabulous Poodles-20/20-Cars-Paul Collins Beat here) without sounding derivative or fake. The songs are often Beatles-level catchy, and they're great singers and great musicians, by which I mean primarily that the band always sounds perfect, like a record, even under the least promising technical circumstances. I'm always impressed by that.

The singer has a mustache. That impresses me almost as much as the music. I mean, people in my world don't usually "go there," as they used to say. It's a bold move. I could never pull it off. Yet there's this perverse part of me that dreams of being brave enough to take the mustache plunge. It would only take me about a week to get it going. But something stops me. I know I'd look bad. I know I'd look ridiculous. That's somehow part of the appeal. I know it's wrong. Sometimes you have an urge to do wrong. The wrong is irresistible, even when you lack the courage.

I was talking about it with my friend Roach, whom I hadn't seen in awhile. At first, she was only kind of down on the idea, though in an indulgent, good-natured way.

"But," I said, "just imagine if you had seen me standing over here when you walked in tonight, and I had a big, droopy, Rockford Files villain mustache. Wouldn't that be surprising, and, uh funny?"

She laughed and said "I'd run from the room screaming."

Then she fixed me with a steady look that made it clear that she wasn't kidding in the slightest. She really would run from the room screaming.

After a pause she said, in a solemn voice: "Frank, don't do it. Just don't."

But Jeeves...

The thing about mustaches as general matter is: grow a mustache, and most women will find it unattractive, distasteful, repulsive. But the few who do dig it are pretty much guaranteed to be the craziest, wildest, freakiest ones. It would be like a kind of girl filter. If you're interested in that type of thing.

Posted by Dr. Frank at February 8, 2004 06:24 PM | TrackBack
Comments

just grow it for a week... and I promise not to make fun of your butt broom in KC.. we often make bets in my circle of friends, with the loser having to grow a 2 week mustache.. no one ever does it though...

Posted by: michael at February 8, 2004 06:40 PM

Friendster members can "enjoy" a picture of me with mustache. Note: Mustache life - 10 minutes, between stages of shaving off a misguided attempt at a playoff beard (killed once the Blues lost).
http://www.friendster.com/viewfullphoto.jsp?id=932489

The Bud Light can was Photoshopped open, proving that I am a huge dork.

To cleanse the palate, a back-to-reality shot:
http://www.friendster.com/viewfullphoto.jsp?id=936823

Mustaches should exist solely for disturbing and creepy photo shoots.

Posted by: Dave Bug at February 8, 2004 08:20 PM

I actually grew a mustache once at the request of a girlfriend. She was indeed of the freaky quality. Yeah, that's right you pervs, the good kind of freaky. And, yes, everyone else hated it.

I kinda liked the way I looked. And it actually made me look older than the teenager I am so often presumed to be.

Posted by: Dave at February 8, 2004 08:25 PM

I use to sport a moustache about 11 or so years ago, along with some funky sideburns. sort of a csny-grunge look. i had what is called a "soul patch" with it. that makes it a little more socially acceptable than the stand alone Angel Martin-look. (another rockford ref. --that show rules!)

Posted by: Mike at February 8, 2004 10:05 PM

Oh jeez, what's the big deal?

It's not a tattoo on your forehead, you can always shave it at a moment's notice.

Posted by: JB at February 8, 2004 10:50 PM

grow a gay trucker mustache, and you'll attract hipsters: http://www.catbirdseat.org/catbirdseat/bingo.html

not that there's anything wrong with that! ;)

if you did grow a mustache, i hope you start sporting a t-shirt that reads, 'mustache rides: 5 cents."

Posted by: anne at February 8, 2004 11:13 PM

oh, and 'milkshake' IS a catchy song, isn't it? admit it!

Posted by: anne at February 9, 2004 12:31 AM

About 11 years ago, when I quit gradschool and decided my lifelong plan to be an English professor was not to be, I went through a period of challenging many of my previous assumptions. In that spirit, I, previously (and since) always cleanshaven, decided to grow facial hair. Not just any facial hair, but the only facial hair I had never seen on anyone: jawbrows.

What is a jawbrow? Well, it's facial hair along the jaw line, between where a goatee would go and your sideburns would be. Had 'em for about 2 weeks. Only one or two friends mentioned them -- I guess they assumed I had missed a spot or was crazy. I don't think there's any photographic evidence of my facial hair innovation, but I'm kinda proud of having pioneered the look.

Posted by: Nick at February 9, 2004 01:00 AM

in my findings, the common stereotypes for mustache sporting gents are:

70's porn stars
totalitarian dictators
history professors
armchair pipe smokers

I say that we shatter the pattern and throw dr.'s in the mix. go for it frank! however, make sure it has the fancy pants, 8 inch curled handlebars on each end.

Posted by: lukeblack at February 9, 2004 03:34 AM

Nothing like the feeling you get shaving in front of the mirror during those last few seconds when you consider leaving the remaning Phineas T. Barnaby handlebar as is. Just for kicks.

Then you realize you have to go to work.

Posted by: geoff at February 9, 2004 03:46 AM

Maybe it is because I am from Chicago, but certain key moustache constituencies jump out at me as missing from Lukeblack's list.

1. cops
2. gay men
3. off-the-boat Polish guys
4. Mexican guys
5. Arab or Pakistani guys
6. Serbian guys

Like any radical item of apparel, but more so, a moustache requires bravado to be carried off well. You have to believe in it way deep down and act like you are the manliest man in the land. Then the nutty babes who dig moustaches will be drawn to you. But if you have any inner doubt, don't do it.

I think the person who suggested a trial run was onto something. But, do it after the tour.

Posted by: Lexington Green at February 9, 2004 04:49 AM

A Scottish guy with a mustache once told me, "Kissin' a man withoot a mustache is like atin' yer porridge without salt." I have to agree...

Posted by: jll at February 9, 2004 04:55 AM

jawbrows? i think you are the only dude to ever do that. krist novoselic from nirvana had a weird kind of goatee that sounds similar. kind of an amish deal. i'll refrain from the grunge references on this poppy punk site though...

haw haw

Posted by: m i k e at February 9, 2004 05:43 AM

Oh-- don't forget the child molester, old lady, and teenage peachfuzz moustaches.

Posted by: m i k e at February 9, 2004 05:46 AM

Don't forget the molestache, and the kidnapper-stache. Matt M.

Posted by: Matt Morris at February 9, 2004 06:44 AM

Nick, did you ever look at your face upside down in a mirror and imagine that they were eyebrows?

Posted by: spacetoast at February 9, 2004 07:59 AM

Oh Frank please do it in a quiet time after the tour and post a picture up here. My dad had a mustache for the first 10 years of my life. He wasn't a 70's porn star, totalitarian dictator or
history professor. Infact he was an estate agent, but he did smoke a pipe from time to time, but not in an armchair...when he finally shaved it off he had a funny wobbly upper lip as he wasn't used to it being weightless, and it was very white due to ten years undercover. Enough.

Posted by: Georgina at February 9, 2004 08:31 AM

i don't know what's worse: mustaches or beards?
especially really long zz top beards.

the only excusable facial hair is sideburns.

unless, you are burt reynolds.

Posted by: nicole at February 9, 2004 09:06 AM

Spacetoast,

No, I never did that. That makes the jawbrow sound like some kind of camouflage moths have adapted to scare off birds ("I'll just sneak up on this juicy moth and -- wait, are those eyebrows?! It's lookin' right at me! Better fly away...").

Come to think of it, for those 2 weeks I never got attacked by a robin...

Posted by: Nick at February 9, 2004 03:13 PM

Even Hitler Has a Mustache!

Posted by: JB at February 9, 2004 03:17 PM

Had, sorry.

Posted by: JB at February 9, 2004 03:18 PM

You forgot to add to the list of mustache-wearing people: 14 year old boys who think it makes them look old enough to buy beer. Anyway, I always get the urge to grow a goatee, do it and after about two weeks, decide I can't take the itching anymore and shave it off, well that and the fact that my wife won't come near me with it.

Posted by: Channon at February 9, 2004 06:49 PM

nicole,
you need to loosen up. besides sideburns are totally passe'. long sideburns anyway.

Posted by: m i k e at February 9, 2004 07:03 PM

I been waiting for this for a long time.

Moustaches have been outre in rock & roll for like 35 years and pretty much out of style in general for 25. Its amazing, when you think about it, that we could have gone through all the retro trends of the 90's without moustaches being thrown in the mix there somewhere but I guess they were just so out, they just signified unhipness so much, that no one ever really had the guts.

I tell you though, a nice shaggy one going downwards on both sides of the mouth is a pretty cool in a countryfied, power-tool using motorcyle dude badass kind of way. I betcha a few other urban hipsters are thinking about taking the plunge, too; Its really about time. It'll certainly do the trick much more convincingly than a trucker hat or one of them gas station work jackets with some other dude's name on it.

Posted by: div at February 9, 2004 10:05 PM

isn't the droopy seventies moustache destined to be the next device for boring white people to get "hip" ( a la trucker hats, wallet chains)?
if you're gonna grow a stache or wear a hat have a reason other than wanting to "get crazy" or some lame vicarious yuppy thrillseeking.

Posted by: slim hathaway jr. at February 9, 2004 11:01 PM

i think we had a conversation about this the last time MTX was in Sacramento. Someone (probably me) suggested MTX all grow mustaches for tour and if i remember correctly, it ended with Ted saying "I can't grow facial hair" and you telling Claire "Then you can say 'how you like my daddy now!'". (no one else will find that funny but everyone who was there almost cried from laughing so hard)

It's funny that you mention Roach's reaction to the 'stache. The night before you guys left we all went out to eat and one of the Ghoulies ex-drummers was there telling us about the "Burly Man Tour." Apparently the last night of the tour Roach flew back home from NY to go to a wedding so Kepi, Marv the Roadie and Danny had to drive the van cross country back to Sacramento. They agreed that they would drive the whole way through stopping only to rotate drivers and get gas and/or food (although on tour, i think with food comes gas and other embarrassing sounds and smells), they also agreed not to shower or shave the entire time. Four or five days later they arrived home with the most pathetic beards and mustaches grown men could sprout. Now, imagine Kepi, road weary and looking like he had cat fur glued to his cheeks saying "honey, i'm home!" and now, imagine Roach's reaction.

All i'm saying is i think it's worth a try on the way home. At least for your bandmate's enjoyment.

Posted by: BobbyM at February 9, 2004 11:08 PM

All i can say is.. ITS BACK..

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/rids/20040209/i/r1067417469.jpg

YEAH!!!

Posted by: slim hathaway jr. at February 10, 2004 12:25 AM

Why has nobody yet mentioned the fairly impressive moustache owned by the bass player of The Darkness?

Posted by: Aaron at February 10, 2004 12:40 AM

Slim, your description has me gagging and shuddering with thoughts of "the Village People", thanks for re-posting an image in my head that I'd love to permanently discard.

Posted by: Channon at February 10, 2004 01:40 AM

Well, you should be glad it's only your mind being violated by the Village People..

Posted by: slim hathaway jr at February 10, 2004 02:33 AM

well, some people *should* have mustaches.
example: alex trebek.
my boyfriend (the illustrious mike from comments above) and i created a social movement for alex's facial hair:
STACHEBAM!
("The Society for Telling Alex, Cmon, Hey, Everyone's Begging for Another Moustache")
Can we set up an info table at the mtx show in chicago?

Posted by: raedy at February 10, 2004 03:46 AM

Aaron, I think Frankie from The Darkness (an exiled Scot who came from a family of adventurers-- he claims his dad was a pirate in the West Indies, his brother a soldier of fortune) has the best moustache in rock, if such a title can exist. What do you think of them btw?? Yay or ney.

Posted by: Georgina at February 10, 2004 09:03 AM

Georgia,
I think that entire post was ridiculous.
Sincerely,
John Rambo

Posted by: John Rambo at February 10, 2004 04:36 PM

Georgina, I am a big fan of The Darkness. I am sufficiently out of it to be unaware of (and not to care about) the current thinking of the rock cognoscenti on this issue, but I think they're great. Based on your extensive knowledge of their ancestry and facial hair, I take it you agree?

Posted by: Aaron at February 10, 2004 04:49 PM

You're with it enough to use cognoscenti in a sentence, however.
...Curious.

Posted by: Hal Frankston at February 10, 2004 05:39 PM

Hello! The MTX show the other night was great. It's so cool to see Bobby J. and Ted playing with them! The Helper Monkeys rocked as usual. And speaking of the wonderful Helper Monkeys, how 'bout that Abe Lincoln beard Mac has been sporting lately? He's in a facial hair catagory all by himself!

And hello Bobby M.! That's funny Dan told you about the Burly Man tour! But it actually only took them two, three days tops for them to speed home back to California! So the beard growing contest kinda had it's limits. But even if Kepi had come home all fuzzy instead of just kind of fuzzy I would still welcome him home with open arms! ... and a razor! Ha!

Posted by: ROACH at February 10, 2004 06:48 PM

Aaron, i do like the darkness, but alas that quote about the bassist was taken from the official website. I just had to look up the word cognoscenti (did you know what it meant at 17? I hope not...) but yes, i'm not one of them either. Unfortunately their fame in england has escalated to the point where it's getting too much. I haven't listened to the album in months because they're being played on at least two radio stations or tv channels at any one time. But they're great fun and live they put on a spectacular show. And even if what they're doing is essentially just revival i don't care because it's better than the rest of the 'rock' music out there at the moment.

Posted by: Georgina at February 11, 2004 10:46 AM

Don't settle for an imitation of the real thing. You're better off listening to older music or finding an original band to listen to. I just think revival bands are empty calories. Kind of like using really obvious big words. Like, i feel bad for people who saw the movie "Velvet goldmine" and think that is the truth of glam rock and BOWIE. It's just a cheesy movie. Instead they should buy transformer and ziggy stardust and live it out for themselves instead of letting fiction dictate their taste.

Posted by: mike at February 11, 2004 07:14 PM

yeah music should be fun..

Posted by: m i ke at February 13, 2004 07:29 AM

Grow one like Big Paul on American Chopper

Posted by: Kevin at February 16, 2004 12:39 PM

that's the worlds most hideous moustache. if he shaved those hair-wings off he'd look halfway normal.

Posted by: jonny crapofone at February 17, 2004 01:58 AM
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