November 16, 2004

Welcome to the Real World

This was part of an intriguing packet of documents I received as a birthday present from a generous benefactor. It was found in San Francisco on the street. It is only the tip of a marvelous iceberg, but here it is. Written in black ink on a page of notepaper, in all capitals (which I changed to ordinary text in the transcription for readabilty.) Italics reflect underlining.

November 15, 2000


-> Here is everything I can give back to you. It's sad the way everything ended, but for the better. It's good that it happened fast too, other wise we would have felt held down, not really like either of us really were. We all know what you were doing while I was out of town, or even when I was in the state. You should feel like a pimp! After all, you "won" your game, right? Maybe, not... If only you had cared this might affect you, but knowing what we all knew from start to finish, it was never possible. Personally, from were I am now, I just dont get why I ever pretended to be the honest one. Acting has never been my strong point but I think I pulled it off this time, I dont like to lie to get where I am, but two people have to play the game. Its no fun otherwise. The sad thing was, that for your years in acting you couldn't do it just right. You should work on that!

-> But down to biz...

1.) You should watch were your dick goes when you have a girlfriend, cause if shes not cheating, then there was one place she got the STD, through you! Hint #1 naughty naughty

2.) If you gonna lie, at least make it worth your time, energy, & risk factor. Not some dumb blonde on the internet! That's just tacky.

3.) Dont be so quick to trust, there are a lot of people that can toy with you, HI!

4.) Important: if your girlfriend leaves town to take care of a "friend" out of state, chances are she's fucking, him.

5.) dont judge people, I may look like I dont make 150 thousand a year. But its just that I dont care like you do.

6.) Always! end things in a good place, cause you're the one to get burned in the long run.

7.) Dont leave things at your girlfriends house, cause you'll get a note like this, when Aaron is back in the picture and new fuck doesnt like you.

8.) Dont hit on ex-girls friends, you arent scoring any points with them and it makes it easy for them to say "fuck you."

9.) Spreading rumors around school about ex isnt a good way to go. Shit like that can catch up to you, really badly. No threat.

10.) You feel like an ass for trying to get back with g/f, but dont tell school I was on your nuts, when you dont get that pussy again.

11.) Say as you might, insaults during a fight also come back to you. So watch your mouth when you're mad.

12.) Just because we say we are honest, we're shady too, but we dont get caught & we never tell you everything!

13.) Your not a pimp

~ Welcome to the real world ~ Dannie

Posted by Dr. Frank at November 16, 2004 06:15 PM | TrackBack

do you watch springer too, Frank? or is there something intrinsically fascinating about missives that make it totally different?

i think if you add some elipses and random spaces/tabs to anyone of those bullets, you'd get very close to plagerizing Bukowski. Especially number 8.

Posted by: fan at November 16, 2004 07:13 PM

Not sure I get your point, fan, but yes, I do think there is something intrinsically fascinating about missives.

Posted by: Dr. Frank at November 16, 2004 07:28 PM

Is this from the new book?

Posted by: josh at November 16, 2004 08:25 PM

This is all from his new book "How To Be Witty At Parties"

Posted by: holy modal rounder at November 16, 2004 10:58 PM

Is there a subtle difference in meaning between "chances are she's fucking him" and "chances are she's fucking, him"? (Or do they mean two wildly different things?)

Posted by: Moira at November 17, 2004 07:50 PM

I'll have to write #4 down

I swear Dr. Frank does the world's stupidity end up on your door steps hourly? or do you occasionally have to go hunt for it on days like Federal Holidays

Posted by: the Allyson at November 17, 2004 11:51 PM

I'm willing to bet that they've been broken up and got back together at least six times since the letter. You just can't put love like that behind you.

Posted by: uh-huh at November 19, 2004 09:59 AM
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