If you drive a van with California license plates through the midwest or the south, you just have to get used to being pulled over repeatedly by curious cops who just want to get a look inside. Sometimes they're upfront about it: "hey boys-- just wanted to check out the freak show! You drive careful now." Other times they have an unconvincing warning to convey ("you're signaling too early when you change lanes..." and the like.) Sometimes they really think they're going to "find something" when they look inside. They can't quite believe that a California van full of relatively young-looking dudes would not also contain some reason to arrest somebody. When they don't find anything, it makes them mad, and the whole process can delay your trip to the gig, sometimes for hours, but what are you gonna do? That's the system we've got out here in this great country of ours.
In the comments to this post, former MTX bassist Aaron tells the story of the first time we ever encountered it, in rural Missouri. I still can't quite decide how much of those cops' cartoon hick act was genuine and how much of it was put on for their own amusement. I'm used to that sort of thing now, but at the time it was pretty alarming, which, I guess, might have been the intention. They have to have known that each one of us was thinking "Deliverance" as soon as we heard them they say "you boys ain't from round here..." Why wouldn't they use it? To rattle us, I mean. (I know from various southerners I've known that they're not above going all Petticoat Junction on you when the need arises, and they can switch it on and off at will. And they do like to try to mess with you when you're an outsider, especially if you're from California, just to see how you'll react.)
For some reason, the most vivid memory I have of that particular incident is how one of the cops inspected my passport (which was my only valid ID at the time-- another bad idea when traveling through the nation's various god-forsaken hell holes). He affected an attitude of elaborately-staged puzzlement, as though he'd never seen anything like it before in all his born days, turning it over and over, paging through it, holding it up to the light, even, I fancy, putting it to his ear and shaking it. He was faking it, I'm almost sure. After quite a stretch of this charade, if it was a charade, he handed it back to me and said "Paris, France! Must be nice..." Oh, and another vivid memory: one of them pointing to our drummer Alex's ear-ring and saying "now I understand that means something. Now which is it, the left one or the right one they all have out there in Frisco?"
Aaron doesn't remember the denouement, but I do. They unscrewed and pulled back some of the van's interior panels to see if we had hidden anything there, and in the end confiscated a couple of porno magazines that had been in the back seat. They told us to drive careful. The whole thing took about 2 1/2 hours.
Anyway, since reaching Kansas, we've been stopped numerous times, though nowhere near as elaborately. But it's early days yet, and we are going through Alabama.
Happy Valentine's Day, y'all.
Posted by Dr. Frank at February 14, 2004 04:11 PM | TrackBack
It makes proud to live in Missouri. Perhaps instances like that are why we're called the show-me state - "Show us all yer shit, outtatowner, er we'll take ya ta jail!"
I managed to make it from Missouri to Lawrence unhassled by the man and I wanted to point out that the band did an excellent job. It was my first time seeing MTX and well worth the trip. Good luck with the rest of the tour and keep playing Hey, Emily - it's purdy, just like Missouri cops certainly found the band's mouths to be.
Posted by: David at February 14, 2004 05:05 PMFrank, thanks for filling in those missing details from my account. One of these days -- maybe during your next UK tour -- you'll have to continue the "policemen of the world" series with the story of getting pulled over by the busload of bobbies while packed into the back of that kid's stationwagon.
Posted by: Aaron at February 14, 2004 06:59 PMIs it really a positive quality of a place that they've been completely desensitized to freakiness? Really, it's nice to have a great majority of boring "normals" so you can stand out when you really want to.
It seems like the only way to stand out in San Francisco is to be and look conservative, and what fun is that?
Posted by: Dave Bug at February 14, 2004 08:41 PMsucks to hear of the road hassles you guys are dealing with. just wanted to thank you for stopping through denver (in the snow too). it was great to hear you guys again live!!!! we had a blast, the show was awesome and enjoyed meetin & sharing a few beers with you. love the new album as well (had not heard it prior to the show). best of luck with the rest of your travels and tour.
Posted by: courtney at February 15, 2004 03:44 AM
haha, and i have to live in rual missouri every day. i can't say i enjoy it.
Posted by: Jesse K at February 15, 2004 07:09 PMalso, i can't say i enjoy making mistakes while typing.
Posted by: Jesse K at February 15, 2004 07:12 PMFrank P.-
My wife and I were so lucky to experience "badged badgering" on the complete opposite side of the harassment spectrum. My red little car adorned with Oklahoma plates was pulled over near Bakersfield, Ca. The inquisitive highway patrolman insisted on knowing what we were doing in California. I guess he didn't know that we country folk like to get to the big city on spaycial ocayshuns. Anyway after getting the third degree on why we were migrating west, we got hassled on not having the title to our vehicle. When pulled over in Oklahoma, the driver is only required to present the officer with a valid drivers license and proof of insurance. The title to my car was at home in an "important documents" folder somewhere. I explained this to the officer and he informed me: "That’s not how we do things here in California Son." So after a brief lecture and a speeding ticket, we were back on our journey to the city by the bay. But the magic at Slims was well worth the hassle. I guess it is just a policeman’s nature to prey upon outtatowners. In their sunglassed eyes we are nothing more than:
Oklahomans in the west- Backwoods country hicks that have surely taken a wrong turn and ended up in the golden state.
Californians anywhere else other than California: Drug induced hippies smuggling grass and homosexual propaganda to the masses.
To serve and protect.
Take it easy out their Frank and co. I've found that putting on a plastic smile and saying sir more times than necessary makes the process go by a little quicker/smoother.
luke B.
Posted by: lukeblack at February 15, 2004 08:47 PMWe Californians don't consider Bakersfield to *really* be part of California. It's an anomaly*. Bakersfield is the only place I've been through where they have a Truck Wash, no Cars allowed. (I'm sure they have these in other godforsaken hellholes across the country, but I have no plan to go through them.)
*Yeah, a thing without a name.
Posted by: Wes at February 15, 2004 09:40 PMBetter Deliverance than Easy Rider. ;)
Posted by: JB at February 16, 2004 04:14 AMAs someone who grew up and spent the first 20 yeras of his life in rural Missouri, I can assure you that the cops were probably QUITE genuine. I sincerely doubt their was any ironic intent on their part.
Posted by: JJ at February 16, 2004 03:27 PMI mean THERE was any ironic intent on thier part.
Posted by: JJ at February 16, 2004 03:27 PMi've found that if you call a cop "sir" and just act real robotic and obedient, they'll leave you alone sooner.
Posted by: mike at February 17, 2004 01:56 AMi didn't read those other comments til just now but that oklahoma guy said the exact thing i did! weirddddd.
Posted by: mike at February 17, 2004 02:49 AMFunny about the MDC reference, I just found out that one of my best friends from high school who I lost touch with is actually MDC's bassist now. Now that's just bizarre. We're only 25. How old is that band?
Posted by: Matt from Vegas at February 17, 2004 08:34 AMI'm sure it would be pretty entertaining and perhaps even net a penny or two if you were to pen a compilation of all of these "squeal piggie squeal" stories. It'd be a humorous read and a good coffee table or traveling book.
Posted by: Channon at February 17, 2004 05:25 PMWhat is really bizarre is that anyone can be the bassist of MDC *now* -- that band must be nearly as old as you and your friend.
Posted by: Aaron at February 17, 2004 05:26 PM