Dr. Frank's What's-it

Doors of Mirth and Mystery

Stephen Pollard discovers (a) that there's a Norwich Peace Council (Canaries Rule OK); and (b) Melanie Griffith's official website.

(a) probably wouldn't make me giggle quite so much if I hadn't spent quite so much time in Norwich, but since I have, it does.

And (b) may be the single greatest thing I've ever seen on the internet. Be sure to check out Door #2 ("Intimacy", a.k.a. "In 2 Me C") for A Glimpse into Melanie's Life. And Door #1 (i.e., The Magic Door.)

Stephen says it's "beyond parody." Come on man, you say that like it's a negative thing.

My judgment may be a little off, though, I admit. I've been up for like a zillion hours. And it's been Starbuck's/bar/Starbuck's/bar/Starbuck's/bar over and over since around 6 am in downtown Phila. I'm half asleep, but also twitching wildly. It's a wonder they haven't thrown me out yet. (The guy at the next table assures me there aren't actually any bugs crawling all over my arms, and I don't need to keep swatting at them. Hey, for some reason he just moved to a different table. Suit yourself, sir; more for me.) I've got two hours more to go till I can show up at the club. Four or five hours after that, I'll be playing, which is kind of hard to imagine at this point. Ain't life grand?

"Music"

Well, I'm just about off to Philadelphia.

Here's a recap of those solo shows. All are with me, Phranc, Ian Brennan, Lysa Flores and others:

Wednesday, April 28..............PHILADELPHIA North Star
8-11 PM
$8

Thursday, April 29.......WASHINGTON, DC Velvet Lounge
9PM-Midnight
915 U Street NW (202) 462-3213
www.velvetloungedc.com
21 and over
$10

Friday, April 30....................... PROVIDENCE, RI AS220 (matinee)
9PM-MIDNIGHT
11 Empire (401) 831-9327 www.as220.org
all-ages
$8

Saturday, May 1........................BOSTON All Asia Cafe
6-10 PM
344 Mass Ave., Cambridge (617) 661-0993
all-ages
$10
followed by John Waters at MIDNIGHT.

Sunday, May 2.......................NEW YORK Living Room
8PM-1AM
84 Stanton (212) 533-7237 www.livingroomny.com
all-ages

The New York show had been described as FREE, but it looks as though they may be charging a cover as it happens. Sorry about that.

One drawback of wearing spandex is that it does nothing to hide one's obesity

If you're like me (and there's no reason to suppose many of you are to any great degree) you will find that this will, somewhat mysteriously, cheer you up just a bit.

Cheating at Library Roulette

From Richard Bennett's blog, I happened on this book exercise, which has generated a pretty good chain of randomness (just click back through all the vias):

* Grab the nearest book.
* Open the book to page 23.
* Find the fifth sentence.
* Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.

Okay, I'm game.

The first book I grabbed was Beautiful Losers, an arguably ill-advised novel by Leonard Cohen, from 1966. p. 23, sentence five:

I don't want to fuck a pig.

Glad you cleared that up, Leonard.

That just isn't up to the standard of the hifalutin sentences this formula has randomly "generated" from the libraries of the previous participants.

I know it's cheating, but I have to try again. Eyes closed. Next book. D'oh! It happens to be The Disappearing Professor: A Lesson in Terror for Rock's First Family (#15 in the Partridge Family Mysteries.) I have a bad feeling about this. p. 23, sentence five:

There's only room in the theater for the really talented.

Less vulgar, certainly. And rather dubious.

Damn, this is a bit like playing slots in Reno. I'm rapidly losing my meager supply of lit-snob credits, but I can't stop. One more, just one more. Next book along: okay, this looks more promising. p. 23, sentence five:

He set out between two and three in a gloomy frame of mind; he knew too well what spending the afternoon with honest manly boys meant.

From Arthur Machen's Hill of Dreams. Not bad. But not great, either.

A quick one, then I'm moving to another machine. p. 23, sentence five:

I preached blood and murder to those women day and night, and - by God! - they would let me wheel their perambulators.

That would be G. K. Chesterton, The Man who was Thursday.

That's pretty cool and off the wall, and all, but maybe the next one will be better. Uh oh:

A cricothyroidotomy is an opening in the trachea between the thyroid cartilage and the cricoid cartilage that permits air to pass directly from the outside into the trachea without passing through the upper air passages.

From the next book along, The US Army Survival Manual. Maybe I should have stuck with the Leonard Cohen...

I think I need to go into the other room where we keep the fancy books. Be back in a sec.

One second later:

Well, we do keep the fancy books out there, but it seems we also keep The Mad Scientists' Club by Bertrand R. Brinley, published by Scholastic Book Services, which yields only this fascinating line: "But Homer Snodgrass shook his head."

That was the first book at the end of the first little bookshelf. Right next to it, though, were a couple that may well yield something more, or less, impressive. Longfellow's Hyperion, and Levinas's Totality and Infinity.

Let's check out p. 23, sentence five of the Longfellow:

Thou blessed babe!

Now that's more like it.

Look, never let it be said that I don't know when to hold 'em, fold 'em, etc. I'm just going to leave it there, walk away and not risk breaking out the Levinas. Because you never know what you'll get.

Hard-hearted Kisha

Here's another "found" letter.

It was found near the MacArthur BART parking lot. The letter is written in blue ink on both sides of a single sheet of white typing paper, folded over several times. The first page (at least) appears to be missing.

(Warning: the following found letter may contain sexual swear words, sexy scenes and execrable grammar. Viewer discretion advised.)

ya do you fuck with me and keep shit like that on your mide and say shit like that to the man you (love) ass you say!! [last four words underlined twice]

You said this is the prefect time then Do it if that's on you mide and you send that shit to me I hope you be happy when you Do it to so that's that.

You is fuck up for send me that shit I Don't no what you be thinking Kisha. if you Don't think that I will wait on you [the word "when" is scribbled out] if you was in jail Bitch be for real Bitch I'll be right they with you and doing what you ask me to Do Kisha. ["Kisha" is underlined twice.]

that's [illegible] I say you sometime, its' atime that you Love me and then it's atime that you get Dout's how can you have Dout's in your man.

On the other side, in the upper left corner:

You then did hell of shit. I get Dout's (Kisha)

Then underneath an arrow pointing to the upper left corner, in huge florid letters with crude serifs and curlicues:

Fuck That
you is fucking on me.

Underneath, a response, presumably from Kisha:

HA HA HA

And finally, at the bottom of the page:

what about that that boy you was in the car with that night. Fuck you Kisha.

Keeping an eye on the enemy

As I mentioned earlier, a Holocaust Never Happened group posted the url of this weblog on the web page of their "revisionist" conference in Sacramento at the end of the month. (It all seems to stem from a single reference to a bizarro press release that had been spammed to a radio station guest book, in the comments to this item.)

Ever since I noticed the link turning up in my referral logs, I have to admit I have developed something of a morbid fascination with the "conference updates" posted on the site. (I still can't bring myself actually to link to the page directly, though anyone who's interested can google it if they want. I don't recommend it, honestly. Trust me, though: it's plenty freaky.) It's totally disturbing in one way; yet in another, it's funny in a straight-outta-central-casting way.

"NO MILITARY ATTIRE" is among the official rules, leaving one to imagine what the conference might have looked like without the rule: scores of of home-made SS uniforms, and here and there a Klingon, maybe? That's just a guess. In another update, a subliterate emailer is taken to task by his subliterate email-ee for having failed to understand the finer points of David Duke's Holocaust critique. ("Now that guy is the best example of brain damage," writes the master of ceremonies. "He doesn't get it.")

They also posted their pugnacious response to a cease and desist letter sent by the city attorney's office in Sacramento, warning them to stop using the City Seal in conjunction with the conference. "In closing, dear sir," it runs, "do not ever try this kind of intimidation again. We know who is behind it!" (In case you can't guess who they're talking about there, I'll give you a hint: the introductory paragraph informs the reader that "the Jews are desperate.")

Occasionally, their presumably carefully-worded press-releases have managed to fly beneath the radar and have taken in legitimate people who would certainly not have touched the conference with a barge pole if they had been able to figure out what it was all about. They seem to derive particular satisfaction from this, gleefully pointing out a clueless events listing from the Sacramento Bee. (Like I say, it's disturbing, but kind of funny, too, inasmuch as there's a degree of dramatic irony at work: "Where? Sacramento (with ticket only) When? April 24th, April 25th. Showtimes: all day." But please, boys and girls, no SS uniforms or weapons this time...)

Apparently, they also managed to take in the director of scheduling from the Governor's office, who, sadly, failed to realize what the "European American Culture Council" was really all about. If the letter is genuine, it could well be a form letter sent out to everyone who invites Governor Schwarzenegger to speak at this or that event, but in context it strikes a disturbing chord and is deeply embarrassing. They reproduce it (along with the Governator's photo) with evident delight. Here's the text:

Thank you for inviting Governor Schwarzenegger to attend the European American Culture Council's 2004 International Revisionist Conference on April 24th and 25th, 2004. The Governor values your commitment to working for a better California.
 
Each and every invitation is important. Unfortunately, due to the many demands on the Governor's schedule, he is unable to accept your invitation at this time. If there is a change in his availability, our office will be in touch with you.
 
The Governor thanks you for your kind invitation and sends his wishes for a sucessful event.

Gotcha. Yikes! Or, as the "European Americans" put it, and it's hard to argue with this: "Somebody is in trouble!" They promise to read the Governor's wishes at the conference. I bet they will.

Ye gods.

UPDATE: I sent the organizers an email saying that as I was neither a participant nor a supporter, I wanted them to remove the links to the blog from their site. They didn't remove any links, but instead added yet another one underneath the caption: "On the same subject, we received infuriating letters from..."

Damned with faint praise

"A one-trick pony can be a resplendent, germane beauty..."

Deep Deep Downey

It turns out that, due to the trademark overabundance of miscommunication for which this operation is justly famous, the show that was scheduled for Sat., April 10th at the Anarchy Library in Downey, CA is not happening.

Or rather, it is happening, but the MTX shan't be playing at it.

Sorry for the inconvenience. Check us out at Claremont today, though, if you want.

Just doing my job...

"So Cobain would have become Dr. Frank. Have you ever listened to that guy's music or read his blog? He makes Blink 182 sound challenging..."

MTX Up to Date Program

Here's a run down of upcoming shows, with a few more details thrown in. As far as I know, this is all accurate. As a few astute scenesters and fun-seekers have pointed out here and there, some of these venues don't have the shows listed on their websites. That's a drag, but it's partly owing to the fact that some of this stuff was set up more or less last-minute, I believe: I checked, and according to People in Charge, they are all happening. But let me know if you hear different, of course.

April 8th
The Kensington
4079 Adams Ave.
San Diego, CA
619.284.2848
Doors: 9:00pm, MTX: 11:00pm
w/ The Phuzz, Vena Cava, & tba

April 9th
Pitzer College
1050 N. Mills Ave.
Claremont, CA
Contact: Peter Sullivan - 510.847.2883
Doors: 12:00pm
MTX: 8:45pm

April 10th
Anarchy Library
13250 Woodruff Ln.
Downey, CA
562.805.9134

And here are the solo Dr. Frank dates, all of which include Phranc, Ian Brennan, and others.

Wednesday, April 28..............PHILADELPHIA North Star 8-11 PM $8

Thursday, April 29.......WASHINGTON, DC Velvet Lounge
9PM-Midnight
915 U Street NW (202) 462-3213
www.velvetloungedc.com
21 and over
$10

Friday, April 30....................... PROVIDENCE, RI AS220 (matinee)
9PM-MIDNIGHT
11 Empire (401) 831-9327 www.as220.org
all-ages
$8

Saturday, May 1........................BOSTON All Asia Cafe
6-10 PM
344 Mass Ave., Cambridge (617) 661-0993
all-ages
$10
followed by John Waters at MIDNIGHT.

Sunday, May 2.......................NEW YORK Living Room
8PM-1AM
84 Stanton (212) 533-7237 www.livingroomny.com
all-ages

Humo(u)r

1. Sadly, the BBC has now corrected its best spellchecker-generated typo in quite some time:

...as humbled fugitives from Marshal Petunia's defeated Vichy government gathered around General Charles de Gaulle and prepared for revenge...

(Well-spotted by Liver Karma.)

2. A time-hono(u)red classic.

Old Lyrics, New Skins

Old news to most everybody, probably, but to recap:

A while back, I posted the lyrics sans music to a song of mine called "She Runs Out when the Money Does." There were quite a few people out there who announced their intention to compose their own music to which to set the lyrics, and I found the idea pretty interesting. I don't know how many actually did this, but thus far I've received actual recordings from three. The first, already mentioned, was from a British band called 100% Cotton, and it's here. I've been meaning to post the other two for some time, but I never quite got around to it. You know how it is.

Anyway, here they are: this one, from our friend Bill Moon; and this rather impressively arranged and conceived one, from M. Stansbury, formerly of the Young Hasselhoffs.

Thanks, guys.

UPDATE: There was some problem with the Stansbury file originally posted-- it has been replaced, and should be playable now. Also, stay tuned for yet another from the Backseat Virgins.

No way

Hey, did you realize that mystery novelist Anne Perry (author of the Monk mysteries) and the girl played by Kate Winslet in the film Heavenly Creatures are the same person? I didn't, till now.

Referral Logs Say the Most Disturbing Things

One of the hazards of having a public web site is that you have no control over who hotlinks your url. Absolutely anyone can do it, including the most disturbing, demi-human creeps. It's entirely up to them. and there's nothing you can do about it.

So a while back, in the comments to this post about sundry radio appearances, Dave Bug noted some bizarre neo-Nazi spam that had been posted on the college radio station's website's guestbook. (It advertised an upcoming Holocaust Denial Conference in Sacramento.) My reaction was to reply with an off-hand reference to a Seinfeld episode, and to tell the kids at the radio station that they really ought to delete it and review their guestbook more frequently.

It is apparently on the basis of this comments reference, and on this basis alone as there's no other possible one that I can fathom (thanks, Dave) that the bastards have gone and listed the url to my blog on their website links! Even worse, the page is entitled "links to conference participants." I sincerely hope there's no need to add that I am not, would never, and could never be a participant in such a sordid, appalling, disgusting, ludicrous affair.

It's called the "International Revisionist Conference," and I'm not going to link back to it. The madness has to stop somewhere. Among the "keynote orators" is the despicable Horst Mahler of Baader-Meinhof infamy, and the whole sorry circus is dedicated to Canadian Holocaust-denying poster boy (or, they would have it, "prisoner of conscience") Ernst Zundel.
Lending a further vague flavor of Seinfeldishness, among the speakers is "Lady Michelle Renouf, a former Miss New Zealand." (She's best known as a David Irving apologist and TV commericial actress: "...usually cast as a Lady of the feudal Manor eg Capital One credit cards USA; Nescafe Japan; Carlos Primera brandy Italy; British Airways; France Telecom; Cable and Wireless UK; Tchibo Coffee Germany; Supradyn Vitamins Switzerland, Austria; Barclay's Bank UK;  BMW Germany; Nissan Japan; Tokalon Beautycare Portugal; Three Castles Cigarettes Pakistan; Heinz Sauce Holland; After Eight chocolates UK; Residensea Kvaerner Cruiseship Norway; Savilles Edwardian Properties, Hong Kong..." according to the CV which the revisionists have helpfully provided.)

I suppose they googled themselves, found the comments reference, and included the link just for the hell of it. Welcome to the internet. Aw, hell.

UPDATE: Uh oh. Just received the following email. Presented without comment:

I'm attending the Historical Conference in California too.

I think its wonderful that its being held in honor of Ernst Zundel, the
artist and writer, imprisoned for his beliefs.

Imagine if a sorry, trendy idiot like you was imprisoned for your inherent
stupidity? I wonder how long you would last.

You are not worthy to shine Zundel's shoes.

The multiracial society is on its way out. I hope you're ready for the coming worldwide White backlash you thilthy turd.