Dr. Frank's What's-it

I'd Have to Live the Rest of My Life in Constant Pain

Here's a further excerpt from Ellie's "found" diary. (Part 1, and the general description of the collection of documents, is posted here; and here is part 2.)

With this excerpt arises the first of several tantalizing Ellie-related questions: for some reason, and quite suddenly, the boy referred to as Mario throughout the extant diary is called "Luigi" here. It's abundantly clear that Ellie is talking about the same guy. So is Mario a pseudonym, and "Luigi" merely an equivalent alter-pseudonym? Is it a mistake? Or a deliberate subterfuge? Is the use of pseudonyms an attempt to inveigle prying eyes (like ours?) Is the diary somehow less (or perhaps more) than it appears to be?

I will say that I and everyone else who has seen it has had no doubts that it is genuine, i.e., that it is a portion of the diary of a Bay Area teenage girl, c. 1975. I mean, it's not a draft of somebody's novel or something like that. Yet there is nonetheless a cageyness about Ellie. You can't take her or her writing entirely at face value. As you'll learn as the story continues, Ellie has a rather stormy relationship with her mother, and it may be that she is changing the names to protect the innocent, as they say. The "Mario" figure seems quite genuine and fully-drawn: I mean, I believe he is a real guy, whatever his actual Christian name may have been. So who is he? An Italian-American clearly. Tony, perhaps? Louie? Joey? And is "Ellie" her real name? (I know there is a Mario, a Luigi and an Ellie in Super Mario Brothers, but I really don't think there's a non-coincidental connection.)

Anyway, herewith the excerpt, which concludes the entry for 1-8-75:

I like love writing all this bullshit, cuz I can be totally honest, & not worry about anyone else's opinion. I sound stupid. So fuckin what.

I always said I'd never have kids. But if I married Luigi, I would cuz I'd want to have something after he's gone, & that beautiful child would be part of him/part of me. Shit, there I go again. I'm gonna stop. before I go nuts. But I gotta say this first - I'm scared to marry anyone, cuz I know my husband will probly die before me, & I couldn't stand to be without him. I'd have to live the rest of my life in constant pain, cuz I don't have the guts to kill myself. I wish I did. Or what if it doesn't work out, & he leaves me like my parents. That's fucked. I'm bawling again. I'm so confused. I need a shrink - seriously.