September 26, 2005

Holy Blood, Holy Grail

Are you ready for The Da Vinci Code Diet? First printing: 150,000. (Not to be confused with The Da Vinci Fitness Code.)

I tried the Chariots of the Gods diet a ways back, and it didn't do much for me; neither did the Moon Landing was a Hoax (Just Look at the Pictures, They're Obviously Fake) diet. The Stephen King Killed John Lennon diet actually put the pounds back on; and the The Great Beast of Revelation is Actually a Computer in Belgium that Has Given Everyone a Number in Order to Create a Cashless Society in which No One Who Refuses to Accept the Mark of the Beast Will be Able to Buy or Sell Anything diet gave me nothing but a horrible rash, to tell you the truth. And don't even get me started on the Boys from Brazil and the Planet of the Apes diets... But, as you can see, I'll try anything once.

But remember, it's not how much you weigh. It's how you look in the mirror and how your clothes fit.

(via Book Ninja.)

Posted by Dr. Frank at September 26, 2005 11:28 PM | TrackBack

Dear friend,

Your name was referred to me as a trustworthy person who has failed at dieting. I wish to inform you that my late father, Mobuto Sese-Seko, commissioned Top Researchers to look into the causes of diet failure; the research was conducted from 1985-1993. What we found will astonish you: the diets you speak of did not fail at all, but rather, your scale lied. You see, a sinister cabal of zionist mathematicians have perpetrated an evil fraud in which false scales are distributed and sold throughout zionist-occupied lands, such as your United States (the purported 'value' is derived through a complex, sinister algorithm factoring your age and other things).
I would be happy to send a few of the last true scales that I was able to remove from Zaire before its collapse - you need only send me your bank details as proof of your commitment to weight loss.

Eric Sese-Seko
Undisclosed Location

Posted by: Eric Sese-Seko at September 27, 2005 12:03 AM

Nicely done 'Eric Sese-Seko'! Only complaint is that you need a few more misspellings.

Posted by: Kathy K at September 27, 2005 01:02 AM

Nonsense! I was educated at Eton, I'll have you know. Just because some of the lesser intellects in the great fraternity of african despot dauphins liberally spice their offers with misspellings (in order to lend a suitably naive, guileless air to their entreaty), doesn't make us all illiterate yokels.
The Abacha clan, for example, are experts in moral philosophy and the sociology of science. I played cricket with the Abacha boys at Eton - bloody marvelous spin-bowlers, the lot of them.

So... would you care for scale or two? Or could I interest you in cut-rate diamonds? I took a rather ecumenical approach in removing valuables from the old home in Kinshasa. Please contact me.

Posted by: Eric Sese-Seko at September 27, 2005 01:23 AM

Both Frank's and Eric's post made me smile and laugh. Thanks guys, I needed that.

Posted by: Zaphod at September 27, 2005 01:35 PM

That was funny.

Posted by: josh at September 27, 2005 01:45 PM

It's all true. I discovered this cryptic message under a pew in the Rennes-le-Chateau church: "tae ssel dna teg emos esicrexe, uoy taf ssa." Beneath it, in Latin and with several shiny gold stars affixed, was a note in a later hand, which, roughly translated, says, "He who can decipher the message above will have health and fitness until his dying day."

Posted by: Dan Mothafukin' Brown at September 28, 2005 05:17 PM