There's another new, rationalized, politically-corrected "translation" of the New Testament floating around. It's called "Good as New: A Radical Retelling of the Scriptures. I've been hearing a bit about it, and I finally stumbled on some stuff about it on the web. It seems to be quite funny.
It's certainly not the first, and won't be the last, attempt to bowdlerize the New Testament. This one has the distinction of having secured the apparent endorsement of the Archbishop of Canterbury, though the dark warnings in some quarters that he may intend to replace the King James Bible and Book of Common Prayer with it are a bit laughable. He did write the foreword, however, and to judge from the excerpts I've seen, his approval rests on nothing more than a reiteration of the long-standing impulse toward rationalization and de-spiritualization of Christian tradition among liberal churchmen. Nothing new there at all; it's quite 19th-century, in a way. As a spiritual matter, and as a practical matter, it is amusing, but decidedly un-alarming. It's just another Free to Be You and Me Bible for the Intellectually Under-developed. We had one of those in CCD when I was a kid. Give the kids a Jesus they can relate to, who uses the latest slang, etc.
But as to aesthetics - well, therein lies the abomination, and the humor. (Aesthetically-speaking, they are usually the same thing, to my warped way of thinking. The abominable and the humorous, I mean.)
The most-reported feature, clearly owing to its political implications, is the purging of references to sodomy, and a new and improved St. Paul who has a groovy, gender-neutral, free'n'easy attitude about sexuality. "If you can't be with the one you love," says the Good-as-New St. Paul, "love the one you're with." OK, I made that up, but I believe it more or less captures the spirit of the thing.
Oliver Kamm quotes these parallel passages (from an article in the Times that is behind subscription for me):
Mark 1:10-11Authorised version:
“And straightway coming up out of the water, he saw the heavens opened, and the Spirit like a dove descending upon him. And there came a voice from the heaven saying, Thou are my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.”
New:
As he was climbing up the bank again, the sun shone through a gap in the clouds. At the same time a pigeon flew down and perched on him. Jesus took this as a sign that God’s spirit was with him. A voice from overhead was heard saying, ‘That’s my boy! You’re doing fine!’ ”
Prominent NT figures are given playful new names. Peter is "Rocky." Mary Magdelene is "Maggie." Barnabas is "Cheery." And James is Snorey, Joseph is Sleepy, and Lazarus is Bashful. OK, I'm kidding about the last three. But the others are, apparently, for real. They sound like a great bunch of pals to hang out with. Except for Cheery, actually. He sounds annoying.
Demonic possession is rationalized into mental illness, the casting out of demons apparently presented as a kind of exercise in successful Group Therapy. The Son of Man is rendered, I kid you not, "The Complete Person," probably the most historically and theologically suspect of all the book's "improvements," or, at least, of those I've come across while idly googling the topic.
"What would Christianity look like," asks the Archbishop, "what would Christian language sound like, if we really tried to screen out the stale, the technical, the unconsciously exclusive words and policies, and to hear for the first time what the Christian Scriptures were saying."
It turns out that it would look and sound an awful lot like Chicken Soup for the Soul. Who knew?
As Kamm says, the worst thing about this "translation" is that it "rewrit(es) a sacramental language to render it banal."
But that's also the best thing about it.
Posted by Dr. Frank at July 2, 2004 06:21 PM | TrackBackDr. Frank,
As a product of 12 years of Catholic school, I had to smile at this one more so than the heresy charges against Senator Kerry, which I found to be a mild irritant. You got off easy with CCD. I was subjected to daily groovier-than-thou guitar slinging nuns (Sisters of Mercy, but not the This Corrosion, Doktor Avalanche kind). Even the priests were growing weary of their flower power act. I remember serving Mass one day when a trio of nuns began playing “Day by Day” for the opening processional. A slightly agitated Father Ryan turned to me and said, “Sheesh. Where would they be without Godspell?” Groovy Christianity is here to stay!
What ever happened to spacetoast?
uhg. I find it rather gross, actually. Has society really been dumbed down that much? "Cheery"? What were they thinking? *shudder* All I can say is that if you need the Bible to be that watery and vapid in order to understand it, you should probly consider getting a bit more education.
Cheery? That will bother me all day.
Posted by: Elizabeth at July 2, 2004 07:21 PMAnything that spreads the word of God is oh-diddley-doe-kay with me!
Posted by: Ned Flanders at July 2, 2004 08:06 PMVery entertaining write-up! In the interest of fairness I should point out that "Rocky" is (from what I understand, at least) a pretty accurate translation. Jesus even made a pun about it.
Posted by: Guy T. at July 2, 2004 08:42 PMGuy, you're right of course that St. Peter's name is intrinsically a bit rocky.
Less well known, perhaps, is one of Jesus's long-surpressed sayings from one of the non-canonical (and thus way hipper) Gospels: "hey, Rocky! Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat..."
Posted by: Dr. Frank at July 2, 2004 09:59 PMYou know, the non-canonical gospels have a lot of very weird and very cool stuff in them. The gnostic Gospel of St. Thomas is on the cool end. The gospels dealing with Jesus' youth are weird.
These excerpts are from the Arabic Gospel of the Infancy of the Savior, http://www.ccel.org/fathers2/ANF-08/anf08-75.htm#P6477_1928435
"46. Again, on another day, the Lord Jesus was with the boys at a stream of water, and they had again made little fish-ponds. And the Lord Jesus had made twelve sparrows, and had arranged them round His fish-pond, three on each side. And it was the Sabbath-day. Wherefore a Jew, the son of Hanan, coming up, and seeing them thus engaged, said in anger and great indignation: Do you make figures of clay on the Sabbath-day? And he ran quickly, and destroyed their fish-ponds. But when the Lord Jesus clapped His hands over the sparrows which He had made, they flew away chirping.
Then the son of Hanan came up to the fish-pond of Jesus also, and kicked it with his shoes, and the water of it vanished away. And the Lord Jesus said to him: As that water has vanished away, so thy life shall likewise vanish away. And immediately that boy dried up.
47. At another time, when the Lord Jesus was returning home with Joseph in the evening. He met a boy, who ran up against Him with so much force that He fell. And the Lord Jesus said to him: As thou hast thrown me down, so thou shall fall and not rise again. And the same hour the boy fell down, and expired."
Makes flipping over money-changers' tables seem pretty mild, no? I wonder how New Telling would translate those passages...
Posted by: Nick at July 2, 2004 11:44 PMI'm sorry, I just can't resist. Joseph and Mary take little Jesus to Jerusalem for some tutoring (also from the Arabic Gospel):
"49. Thereafter they took Him to another and a more learned master, who, when be saw Him, said: Say Aleph. And when He had said Aleph, the master ordered him to pronounce Beth. And the Lord Jesus answered him, and said: First tell me the meaning of the letter Aleph, and then I shall pronounce Beth. And when the master hereupon raised his hand and flogged Him, immediately his hand dried up, and he died. Then said Joseph, to the Lady Mary: From this time we shall not let him go out of the house, since every one who opposes him is struck dead."
It's like the Gospel of Stephen King (I also think that last line is very funny in a dry and literally irreverent kind of way).
Posted by: Nick at July 3, 2004 12:21 AMLesson? He died for you, but he will fuck you up if you piss him off. Do not fuck with Jesus.
Hey, maybe I could help translate the Arabic Gospel the newfangled way. I seem to have a knack for modernizing language. Fuckity fuck.
Posted by: Chris Fabulous at July 5, 2004 11:24 PMWhat's next? The Buddy Christ? Oh wait, that was already done. Or prophesied...
Posted by: Chrees at July 6, 2004 06:43 PMI swear the first I read this post it said, "the radical retailing of the scripture" and I fell out when I saw the real wording. LOL in Sacrament(o)...
Posted by: mikey at July 9, 2004 05:54 AMAs all religion is dark age superstition, the only merit any religious text has is its literary merit. The King James Bible and the Book of Common Prayer are two of the greatest works of fiction in the world. Rewriting the bible to make it sound like a Janet and John reader removes the last possible reason for reading it. Not a smart move at all if you're trying to increase your audience.
Posted by: Nick Mallory at July 15, 2004 07:18 PMI think this "bible" insults my intelligence when I clearly can read above an 8th grade level. It's like saying everybody is too stupid to understand the Bible. This book takes out all personnal interpretation of the Biblical Scriptures and makes everybody else see one persons veiws of the Bible.
" For I testify to everyone who hears the words of the prophecy of this book: If anyone adds to these things, God will add to him the plagues that are written in this book; and if anyone takes away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part from this book of Life, from the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book"- revelation 22, 18-19